Merging Identities

The first months as a brand new parent are overwhelming in every possible way, with severe sleep deprivation and a steep learning curve to taking care of an infant who relies on you every minute of every day. Throw in some difficulty breastfeeding, constant exhaustion, a trip to urgent care, and the new-parent-anxiety, including worriedly checking that your peacefully sleeping baby is indeed still breathing.

For me, taking on the identity of “mother” was an immediate, miraculous transformation after giving birth. I felt an extreme sense of power and amazement at my accomplishment after bringing my baby into the world and walking home from the hospital three days later. 

With the isolation due to the pandemic (i.e. no visitors at the hospital or in the weeks after getting home) and the fear of catching covid in public, I had a heightened innate sense of fiercely protecting my son from the world, the deepest love, and willingness for any and all self-sacrifice required to put my infant first. Including putting my viola aside for as long as I felt I needed to. 

As classical musicians, our identity is often tied to our instrument, for better or for worse. My identity until this point was “Violist.” As a freelance classical musician, this meant performer, teacher, entrepreneur. Now, I had a new identity - “mother.”

In my head I struggled to blend these two identities; it seemed impossible that I could be both at the same time.

I remember it took me about a full year to be able to simultaneously blend these identities. In the beginning I could simply be “mother” or “violist.” There was no way to be both. I for some reason couldn’t do the thing where you practice with your baby sitting in the bouncer. I needed to be 100% present as a mom, or 100% focused on playing my instrument/working. Trying to squeeze in important work on my computer while minor catastrophes were happening (toys flung everywhere) only led to frustration.

I often wonder how other first time classical musician moms felt in the beginning - and I know my experience would have been different if life and concerts had been going on as normal. But without a concrete reason to practice and zero pressure to be out in the world playing gigs (because no concerts were happening anyways), I was able to take off loads of guilt-free time away from my instrument to be with my son. 

What I learned was to be extremely efficient with my time - sneaking in work during nap times, more focused than ever before. I learned to be able to quickly get back into shape on my viola before an upcoming concert. These are skills that I still use today. 

I learned that being a musician and a mom is difficult, but very rewarding. I love the freedom of my schedule that I have as a freelance musician. 

Most of all, I can now say that being a mother and classical musician are totally possible to be both at the same time, and my biggest lesson has been the ability to be fully in the moment with whatever task I am doing and not trying to do both at the same time. 

Now with two kids it’s clearer than ever that in order to have peace-of-mind I need to be fully present in whatever I am doing. If I am with my kids, I am with my kids. I am not trying to sneak in emails here or there. If I am playing viola, teaching, or working on The Fearless Artist I am not worrying about my kids and my never-ending to do list. 

Even amidst this separation of focus, I am able to feel fully confident in my blended identity of Mother and Musician. 

What was your transition like to taking on a whole new identity as a parent? Was it jarring, or did it come naturally? Did you feel any internal struggle?