Finding Your Village: Community vs Isolation as a Musician Mom
We all know the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I find this to be a beautiful image—one that society has moved farther and farther from as nuclear families (parents and children living without extended family) become more closed and independent.
I remember listening to a public radio discussion about this topic—how long ago, families would live together intergenerationally (as they still do in many countries), allowing for greater support for both the mother and baby in the early years of childbearing. Later, in the 1950s and 60s in America, many communities kept their front doors unlocked while family members, friends and neighbours stopped by. Kids went back and forth between houses, growing up with multiple trusted adults involved in their daily lives. In short: children were raised by a series of trustworthy adults amongst a close-knit community, and the responsibility of caring for children was widely shared.
Today, the intense focus on nuclear families has led to the isolation of new mothers, placing far more responsibility on them than in previous generations. In the U.S. with societal norms, very little maternity leave, and the huge financial strain of childcare, many mothers end up sacrificing their careers—not entirely by choice—and end up finding themselves isolated.
And for freelance musicians?
Freelance musicians already live unconventional lives—traveling for gigs, practicing at odd hour and navigating an unpredictable schedule. Add motherhood into the mix, and suddenly the lack of a built-in support system becomes even more apparent. Unlike traditional careers with structured hours or built-in parental leave, freelance musicians often have to piece together a support network on their own, adapting to the ever-changing demands of both their careers and their children’s needs.
At the same time, families today are often much more geographically secluded from relatives and even close friends. This rings especially true for many professional musicians. We often leave our home state to study elsewhere and end up putting down roots in a new city—whether due to winning an audition or professorship position, following a partner, or simply moving to a city with a bigger arts scene than the one we grew up in. While these moves may be necessary for career growth, they can also mean raising children far from family support, making the challenge of balancing music and motherhood even greater.
This was my case—I initially moved to Paris to study, and seven years later, when I was married and expecting my first child, we found ourselves still in Paris with our families in Romania and the U.S. This was during the pandemic, when borders were closed. What had once felt like an exciting, independent chapter of my life—building a career in a new country—suddenly felt isolating as I faced the reality of becoming a mother without family nearby.
I definitely felt isolation as a new mother—largely because of the pandemic and not being able to live a normal social life. Mostly staying home for fear of catching COVID or going on masked walks outside, I spent my days video-calling my mother to share each day’s joys and challenges as a new mother.
You could say that my “village” was rather tiny, as most of our close communication was with family members from abroad, so we had no help to rely on when we were sick and trying to care for ourselves and the baby. I remember teaching viola lessons online - I simply had my baby in the bouncer, rocking him gently with my foot while I taught.
“I realized I actually did have a village—it just didn’t look like a traditional one.“
My village included:
My dear neighbour, who brought me lunch when my husband went back to work, and I was feeling isolated and exhausted. (That incredible boulangerie sandwich, salad, and croissant was truly unforgettable.)
My two amazing mom friends in my neighbourhood, who were so sweet to watch my son on occasion when I had rehearsal and was without childcare. I didn’t have a babysitter and couldn’t have maintained my performing career without them!
The fantastic local crèche (daycare), where my son was in wonderful, caring hands (with three-star home-cooked food!).
TFA’s own Michelle Lynne - just a short train ride away from Paris, she was able to come when I most needed her.
Our family support via video calls—thanks to technology, it was a beautiful thing to be able to stay in touch 24/7 (and to be able to call my pediatrician mom with medical questions in the middle of the night).
Since my little family moved to the U.S. not long ago, we have found great joy and comfort in having family and close friends within driving distance. They have not only been wonderful in supporting us with childcare but have also formed beautiful and deep relationships with our children. After living abroad, I truly don't take this for granted!
So the question for freelance musicians becoming parents is: who is in your village?
If you don’t have family around, are you part of a community where you are surrounded by people who share similar values, faith, or life situations? This could be a religious group, a mother-baby group, an international community of expats if you’re living abroad, or early childhood education groups.
Connect with other musician parents—it is so cathartic to know that you are not alone in the struggle of juggling everything - how to fit practice time in, having to show up to rehearsal on 3 hours of sleep because your baby had an ear infection, etc.
Do you have two or three people you could call when you really need a hand with your infant? So you can sleep, practice, or take care of yourself for a moment?
What musician parent role models are in your network? Can you chat with them for insight on being a musician and a parent? Pick someone who is farther down the parenting road than you. Ask how they’ve managed their lifestyle of being a musician and a parent—you may be surprised at the stories you hear. We often don’t consider others’ experiences as a parent until we become one ourselves.
Are there any childcare options (even unconventional ones) that may fit your fluctuating schedule as a freelance musician, with changes and unpredictability in your performing or teaching schedule?
Even if your village looks different than expected, you are not alone in this journey. No matter where you live or what family members you do (or don’t) have nearby, you can create a beautiful community around yourself to support your lifestyle as a musician and feel supported as a parent. Together, we can redefine what support looks like.
Have you found a strong support system as a musician parent, or do you struggle with isolation? How did you find your ‘village’? Share your experiences in the comments below!
